Category: Humour

Saying Goodbye to George Bush

Sure am going to miss the guy… (for all the wrong reasons).

Still, I expect there is bound to be more fun ahead with ‘Obi’

Glad not to be mentioned in a Tweet

The following gave me a chuckle, and given the large number of Twitter accounts I run/manage, I was glad to see that no names were mentioned. It’s probably the one and only time I’m glad not to be mentioned in a tweet/post.

I must give credit to Ike Pigott (@ikepigott) for the idea of a "Top 10 People to Unfollow" list.  Although I can easily think of several individuals I’d like to place on this list, I figured it would be too mean to actually call them out by name (and possibly result in a libel suit).  So the list below contains ten archetypes that I’ve noticed on Twitter.

From the post “Top 10 List of People to Unfollow on Twitter” on the blog by Shannon Whitley.

I’m hoping I’ve never fallen into any of those categories, though looking at my main “personal” Twitter account, one or two (erm, try most) are getting pretty close to another Top 10 reason category of “Too Drab to be of any interest”.

Pop over to Shannon’s site and add any categories you can think of to the comments on that post.

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Embassy No 1’s : Beat the Smoking Ban

A Southampton licensee is hoping to get round the smoking ban by declaring his pub is ‘foreign soil’.

Source: http://www.morningadvertiser.co.uk/news_detail.asp…

This article made me laugh, quite a novel idea to try and get round the upcoming smoking ban.

By declaring his pub as an Embassy, it would be classed as foreign soil, and therefore not covered by UK law.  Does that mean that all his drinks would be tax free too?

 A later article does quote a British Foreign Office official as saying:

Redonda is a territory of Antigua and Barbuda, and so is not entitled to an embassy.

Shame… Apparently he does have some other tricks up his sleeve.

 

Antigua and Barbudahttp://www.antigua-barbuda.org/

 I just might and find some space on the beach in Antigua and smoke instead. Not sure if it would be legal though 😉  (And I’m not talking about a law forbidding smoking in public places either).

Did you hear the one about the German, but not the Gay one?

Jeremy ClarksonTV presenter Jeremy Clarkson has been criticized by the media watchdog Ofcom for using a term which was “capable of giving offence to homosexual people”.

Ofcom said there was “no justification for using the word in this way”.

Last year, he was cleared of making a racist slur about Germany because this was adjudged to be amusing rather than offensive.

From: Clarkson rapped over ‘gay’ jibe | BBC News

Now Ok, let me get this right…
You can’t make jokes about homosexual people, because that is offensive.
But you can make jokes about the Germans, because that is funny?

Now I know some homosexuals would have found his comment funny.
I also know some Germans who would have found his comments offensive.

So just how did Ofcom determine which was right and which was wrong…
Either you allow some people to be offended or none at all.
You can’t have one rule for one lot, and another rule for the others.

Do you think it has something to do with the fact that the head of OfCom is called “Manfred Von PenisTrappen” ?
Ok, maybe not… but please… let’s have it one way or the other..
Plus, it’s Jeremy Bloody Clarkson for godsake, you can’t take anything he says seriously unless it’s the technical specs of a car he’s describing…

There must be a lot of gay people in the Green party that objected just for the fact it was Mr. Clarkson, and I guess that also means there can’t be many Germans.

PC gone mad…

I don’t care either way.  Personally I don’t take offense at either remark (because funnily enough, I’m not gay and I’m not German).

Homophobia = bad.
Racism = good.

So I can’t say “that car handled a tadge limp-wristed”, but I can say “it had more holes in it that the German Army at Dunkirk and the 1966 German World Cup Squad defense”….

I should start a petition to get all Germans to contact Ofcom and complain.
Bloody ridiculous and a waste of bloody money.

How to test your New Hires

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounting department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in strategic planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in top management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government

Hey Ducky..Is someone pulling my Leg,Leg,Leg,Leg ?

Four-legged duckling shocks owner

Stumpty the duck

The mutation is rare but cases have been recorded elsewhere

An ugly duckling has made waves on a farm – when he was born with four legs.

A rare mutation has left eight-day-old Stumpy with two extra legs behind the two he moves around on.

Owner Nicky Janaway, of Warrawee Duck Farm in the New Forest, Hampshire, said she was gobsmacked when she turned Stumpy over to check his sex.

“It was absolutely bizarre. I was thinking ‘he’s got too many legs’ and I kept counting: One, two, three, four,'” she said.

From the .

Go visit the Duck Farm website.

Hmm, a four legged duck eh? The farm is down in the New Forest and I didn’t think there was any nuclear power stations down there.
They did have a nuclear sub dock in Southampton a few months back.
Apparently it happens quite often, but it still doesn’t sound right.

Reminds me of an old story 😉

I used to have an uncle who had a farm.  I went to visit him one day and as I was walking up the track I spotted what I thought was a four legged chicken.
When I got the the farm yard I spotted my uncle and went over to greet him. 
“Here”, I said, “I’m sure I just spotted a four legged chicken in the field back there.
“Eye”, he says, “I’ve been breeding them for a few months now”.
“Why?”, I said.
“Well there is me, your aunt and your two cousins and we all like the leg of chicken when it comes to Sunday roast”.
“Great”, said I, “what do they taste like?”.
He replied, “God knows, I’ve never been able to catch one”.

Washington Post’s Wordy Competition

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners:

  • 1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
    ideas from penetrating.
  • 2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
    financially impotent for an indefinite period.
  • 3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  • 4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
    who doesn’t get it.
  • 5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  • 6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.
  • 7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  • 8. Karmageddon (n) It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really
    bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious
    bummer.
  • 9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
    only things that are good for you.
  • 10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.
  • 11. Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
    they come at you rapidly.
  • 12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve
    accidentally walked through a spider web.
  • 13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
    bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  • 14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
    fruit you’re eating.

And the pick of the literature:

  • Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an a-hole.

New Numa Numa –

Damn, it’s taken years for me to get the last song out of my head and now there is a new one? It’ll be even worse if my kids find out…

http://www.NewNuma.com
Gary Brolsma, the Numa Numa Guy, is back in his return video: New Numa! With the video comes a $45,000 worldwide New Numa contest where you can make your own New Numa video for a chance at the Grand Prize of $25,000 cash and a whole lot of internet fame!

Go to http://www.NewNuma.com to enter the contest, chat with Gary, check out the New Numa music and new music by Dan Balan (the producer/songwriter of Dragostea din Tei, the original numa numa!) Most importantly: Don’t forget to laugh and have fun!! … (more)